I was unexpectedly pregnant at the age of 16 with a much older man. I was frightened and had no idea what I was going to do. My parents were incredibly angry and had told me, under no uncertain terms, that I would not be allowed to keep my child. I had an appointment for termination on Feb. 22, 1996. I woke up that morning and knew in my soul that I could not go through with it. Family friends were dealing with unexplained infertility, and they approached my father about potentially adopting my baby. Things moved quickly after that, and we went through a legal private open adoption when my daughter was born in September 1996.
At the time, I knew that I was in no position financially to raise my daughter. My only concern was doing what was best for her, even though it was incredibly difficult for me. Because this was a private arrangement made after consulting with Adoption Options, I did not receive the counselling, education, or ongoing support that a regulated adoption through the agency would normally provide. As a result, my experience was challenging—I often felt lonely and isolated, and did not have access to mental health support. The adoptive parents had limited understanding of the trauma I was experiencing, and were not equipped with guidance on navigating the process in a way that supported all of us.
I know now that adoption can be an incredibly positive option for everyone involved, if it’s facilitated by a professional group that has everyone’s best interests in mind. The well-being of a precious baby, that’s the common goal birth mother’s and adoptive families share. With this in mind, communication throughout the adoption process should come from a place of love, empathy, and respect.
To birth mothers, please make sure you get mental health support. This is not a small choice you are making, and it will mold who you are from this day forward. No matter how positive the situation, you will go through waves of grief that will be much easier to navigate with help, and very seriously consider using an agency to ensure that your needs are also being met.
For adoptive parents, this is a very unselfish choice by a birth mother. Please be mindful of this and remember that because of their choice, your dreams are coming true, so remember to still honour that gift once you have your baby in your arms.
Lindsay Gray