It’s okay to have a really hard time and you’re not alone if you’re struggling.
It’s pretty shocking and hard for people to believe, but I truly had no idea I was pregnant with my daughter until I went in to labour. I had a cryptic pregnancy, so no signs, no symptoms, something only about 1 in 2,500 people experience.
At 5:30 in the morning I woke up with the worst back pain I’ve ever had. Not knowing it was labour I spent six hours at home hoping the pain would go away. It was only getting worse so I went to the Sheldon M Chumir Centre where I found out, not only was I pregnant, but I was in labour.
I was terrified, I had no support system and I was completely alone. I was transported to the Foothills Medical Centre to deliver. In total labour lasted 12 hours and when the nurse put my daughter on my chest I completely shut down. The nurses were trying to get me to interact with, or take any sort of interest in her and when they noticed I wasn’t one just asked if I wanted to talk to someone about my options and I just nodded.
Looking at my life and how unprepared I was I decided placing my baby was in her best interest because she deserved so much more out of life then I could give her. I had a really tough upbringing and I wanted better for her and I knew I just wasn’t capable of giving her the life she deserved.
Even if financially it made sense to parent instead of place I wasn’t mentally or emotionally ready to be the kind of parent I would have wanted to be.
I gave, at the time two complete strangers a part of my heart and soul when I entrusted my daughter to them and I will never be able to truly thank them for healing parts of me just by loving that little human as much as they do. Not only did I secure a better future for my daughter, I also gained two amazing role models. They are the first example of true love and partnership I have ever had in my life, and they’ve become like family to me.
I knew nothing about adoption beforehand, and I completed the entire process in two days. I thought I would be signing away my rights, someone would take and place her, and I would be lucky to meet her at the age of 18.
When the hospital social worker came to see me, she supported me by helping connect me with Adoption Options. I was terrified when Janniene, a social worker with Adoption Options walked in. I was scared I would be judged or shamed, but she made me feel so comfortable and safe. I will always be so impressed and grateful for the level of care and compassion I was shown from the agency.
Ours is an open adoption. In the beginning I didn’t think I would want to know her. I figured once I healed physically my life would go back to how it was like nothing ever happened and I could just forget about it all.
I was so ashamed and hard on myself I didn’t want anyone to know about the last three days so I said nothing and went back to work four days postpartum. I was “functioning” by going to work and trying to get on with my life. I thought I would be okay, but the more time passed the worse things got. I would lay in bed just sobbing uncontrollably I couldn’t sleep or eat I was crawling out of my skin. I was ripping my hair out from stress and there were nights that I was glad I had nothing fixed to my walls because I couldn’t stop thinking of ways to try to hang myself.
I was scared of people finding out so I refused help from the agency, I stopped reaching out to them. My self-worth was so low I figured they had better things to do then listen to my grief, and in my mind where I chose this I felt like I had no right to grieve. I started having suicidal ideations that were so vivid it felt like it was real I could see it, hear it, feel it then I would snap back to reality and I would be in a completely different place. I was scared I would confuse reality with them and would accidentally harm myself.
It’s not that I wanted to end my life I just needed a break from the pain, the heartache, the guilt. I had no escape from it and I just wanted it to stop. I was truly ready to give up, but not wanting my daughter growing up thinking it was her fault that I took my life I went to the emergency department. I figured even if they couldn’t help me at least I was in a safe place where I couldn’t harm myself.
They turned out to be amazing and I was kicking myself for suffering and not going to them sooner. They got me started on antidepressants and something to help me sleep and set me up with with a psychiatrist. That’s when things started to turn around, I started to feel I could survive this.
I reached out to the agency again and started opening up about things with some really close friends. I was hesitant at first, I thought I would be shamed or looked at as a horrible person but the more acceptance I got the easier it was to share. I also started attending counselling and slowly but surely things got better. I’ve stopped punishing myself, I’ve let go of the shame and the guilt I felt. I’m the happiest I have ever been and in loving my daughter I have learnt to love myself. I am working on being a healthy part of her life and at becoming someone she can be proud of and look up to.
Adoption is not a selfish act, it’s not giving up, or abandoning a child. It is such a beautiful act of trust and it saves lives. It creates space for healing and growth and love you never knew you could experience. It creates families, not just for the child and adoptive parents but for the birth parents too.
Birth mothers, there is nothing wrong with you if you don’t feel a connection to your baby immediately. I thought it was going to be this big magical moment and I hated myself that it wasn’t, but slowly I came to love her. If you’re in the place I was in where you can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel or keep feeling like there is something “wrong” with you, please speak up and advocate for your needs. You made the choices that were best for you and your baby and you are deserving and worth of help and care. As impossible as it may seem I swear it will get better you just have to hold on a little longer.
As for adoptive parents enjoy the love, happiness and excitement of your new baby. And don’t forget to extend your gratitude and appreciation to your child’s birth parents. The one thing that got me through the darkness when I felt like no one cared and I didn’t matter was the love, kindness and encouragement from my daughter’s adoptive parents. Being reminded that I am valued and important and that my needs mattered meant everything to me.
So much happens to us in this life that we have no control over but we get to choose what we do with it. The months following my daughters birth were the hardest times I’ve ever had to experience but if given the chance I wouldn’t change a thing about it because I wouldn’t be who I am now.
Carolanne Martin