Growing up, I was a polite, athletic, and focused child who never really got into trouble. My parents worked extremely hard to build a life that appeared picture-perfect from the outside. But in my early teens, everything changed. Addiction ravaged my home, and I was abruptly pulled out of the sport that had been my greatest passion. I aspired to follow in the footsteps of one of my older teammates, she was a five-time world champion baton twirler, what a different life that would have been.
It felt like my whole world was falling apart and I did the best I could to survive the chaos that broke me. When I found out I was pregnant, I quickly made the decision to place my baby for adoption. I had no family support and society was extremely cruel to me. Even now, I still struggle with the shame placed on me during such a vulnerable time in my life.
Reading through Dear Birthmother letters was a difficult process. I knew that every family was prepared to care for my child in ways I couldn’t, but making such an important decision based on a short letter and a few photos was overwhelming. I read letter after letter until my social worker informed me that I was receiving the last stack available.
I didn’t know what I was looking for or how I was supposed to choose a family. Each letter seemed to add more confusion, as they were all eager and deserving families. But when I picked up the last letter, everything changed. I read the earnest story of a couple, and I immediately knew they would be my son’s adoptive parents. It was effortless to imagine how much they would cherish my child as I looked through their family photos that followed.
This couple shared how they had treasured every moment of their own pregnancy, knowing they would soon say goodbye to their son, who passed away shortly after birth. Throughout my pregnancy, I had felt numb, like I was living in a dream and their story brought a wave of emotions. It made me realize that I wasn’t the only one carrying grief in this adoption process. The journey through infertility is painful, and an open adoption can offer both families an opportunity to heal together.
My son, Liam, was born six weeks premature. Nothing could have prepared me for the intense love I felt when he took his first breath. He was quickly taken to the NICU, where he stayed for the next four weeks. I spent every day, countless hours, holding him and wishing I could stop time. The day he was strong enough to leave the hospital was the hardest day of my life.
Liam’s adoptive family gave me a precious gift—they allowed me to take him home for a few hours to say goodbye, just the two of us. It was an invaluable moment, and I wouldn’t trade a single second I spent with him. But the pain of the separation was devastating. I lived for the moments that I got to see him again and over time the days in between visits got easier.
Piecing my life back together after Liam went home was not easy. Since I could still visit him, I didn’t feel like I had a right to grieve. My self-esteem was so low that I didn’t think I deserved any help or support. So many people had told me I was ruining my life that I started to believe them. It took a long time to figure out how to exist in a world where I was a mother without a child, feeling like a misfit among my peers. Now, I can confidently say that all birthmothers deserve to grieve with support and shouldn’t have to go through this journey alone.
Today, I can truly appreciate how beautiful my life is because of our adoption story. I’m lucky to have so many wonderful memories—watching sporting events, reading bedtime stories, decorating Christmas cookies, and playing outside at the family cabin. My family grew in a way I never imagined as a scared young girl reading Dear Birthmother letters.
When it was time to raise my second son, I was a better mother because of our open adoption. I learned new ways to nurture, advocate, and play from the time I spent with a family that welcomed me when they adopted my son. Watching my sons grow up together and play brings me the greatest joy imaginable.
At the beginning of my story, everything felt unbearable. But now, I cherish so many beautiful memories of my son. I can’t imagine my life any other way.
Every adoption story is as unique as the family it creates. If you’re considering placing your child in an open adoption, know that it can be a beautiful and healing adventure for both you and your child.
Stephanie Griffiths